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Viewing 31 Medical Joke/s

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really
hurts. I guess
I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that.
There's a computer at the drug store that can
diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply
put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose
your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only
costs $10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with
a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the
computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights
started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small
slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid
heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began
to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, and urine samples
from his wife and daughter. To top it
off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured
in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and
printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get
better.

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years
with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's
referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The
doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across
my scalp and...."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing
right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you
know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache
for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp
muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my
wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs
together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve
the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and
come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you
feel?"

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache
since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough.
And, by the way you have a lovely home."

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone,
entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an
examination" said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take
your clothes off."

"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, please stick out your
tongue."

This old lady walks into the Doctor's office and says,
"Doctor, please help me. I have a terrible problem with
farting. It's not really a social problem, because you can't
smell it or hear it, but I must have farted 20 times since
talking to you." The Doctor nods his head and says, "Take
this bottle of pills and use them all. When they are all
gone in about 2 weeks, come back to see me." The old lady
comes back 2 weeks later and is angry. She says "What was in
those pills? I fart just as much. You still can't hear
them, but now they smell horrible!" The Doctor again nods
his head and says, "Great, that takes care of your sinus
problem, now let's work on your hearing."

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.
Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," the woman says, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman.
He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes, that's what I'm here for"

A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye.
Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital.
The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."
The old man says, "What?"
So the doctor says it again.
Once again the old man says, "what?"
So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"
With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants.
He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients.
Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.''
She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed. One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine.
So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''.
The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?''
''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?''
He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!''

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind; either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first..."
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said,
"... but they probably weren't veterinarians"

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery
1 Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

2 Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?

3 Damn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!

4 Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!

5 Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie

6 Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

7 "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

8 Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

9 "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, he's got two of 'em

10 What do you mean "You want a divorce?"

A man walks into a doctor's office and says, "I have a problem with my dick!"
The lady at the counter says, "Sir, we do not say words like that at the doctors office! Now leave and come back and replace "Dick" with some other body part like "Ear."
The man does as he's told and comes back in and says, "I have a problem with my ear."
The lady the says, "What is that?"
To which the man replied, "I can't piss out of it!"

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."

A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with a Rorschach test. He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees.
"A man and a woman making love in a park," the man replies.
The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he sees.
"A man and a woman making love in a boat."
He holds up the third picture.
"A man and a woman making love at the beach."
This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures.
At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, "It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex."
And the man replies, "Well, you're the one with the dirty pictures."

"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a billiard ball."
"Well get to the back of the queue."

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains."
"Pull yourself together."

"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a ten pound note."
"Go Shopping, the change will do you good."

"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards."
"I'll deal with you in a minute."

"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a clock."
"OK, just relax. There's no need to get yourself wound up."

"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a dustbin."
"Now you're just talking rubbish."

"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog."
"Sit down and tell me all about it."
"I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture."

Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory."
"When did this happen?"
"When did what happen?"

A married couple go to hospital together to have their baby delivered. When they arrive, the doctor says they have just taken delivery of a new machine which transfers a portion of the mother's pain to the father.
"Would you be willing to try it out?" asks the doctor.
"Yes of course," says the husband, who is very much a Sensitive New Age Guy. As the woman goes into labour, the doctor sets the machine to 10 per cent and asks the man if it hurts.
"No, it's fine," he says. The doctor raises the setting to 20 per cent. "Still okay," says the man. The doctor gradually lifts the setting to 50 per cent. The husband closes his eyes and grits his teeth, but insists he can cope without any problem, so the doctor raises it gradually to 75 per cent.
"I can take it," says the husband. "Give me the full 100 per cent." So the doctor does, and the wife bears the baby with no pain at all. The doctor goes off to write up the case for The Lancet, while the couple take their baby home.
When they get home they find the postman lying dead on the doorstep.

why did the jelly baby go to the doctors?

beacause hes been f**king alsorts!

what did the poo say to the bum?
i'm stuck!

One day a jelly baby went ot the doctors and said "doctor i think i have aids!" and the doctor replies "how could you? your only a jelly baby who have you been f**king?" and the jelly baby says " o alsorts...."

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

Oy whats your disability?

I said "Tourettes! now fuck off you cunt!"

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up,
She said I have to stop wanking,
When i asked why, she said "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

What do you call an epileptic in a wheelchair?

A Transformer!

A man with no arms or legs sunbathing on beach, three sexy young girls walking past feels sorry for him. First girl says to him "Have you ever been hugged?" No he replies, so she hugs him. Second girl asks him "You ever been kissed?" No he replies, so she kisses him. Third girl asks him "You ever been fucked?" No he says all excited. "Well you will be when the tide comes in!!"

A woman has been in a coma for 3 months, showing no signs of recovery.

One day, whilst giving her a bed bath, the nurse notices that there is a flicker on the monitor when they are cleaning her cunt.

The doctors send for her husband and tactfully explain the situation suggesting that he tries oral sex to see if it gets a bigger response. So the medical staff draw the curtains to give him some privacy and await developements.

After about five minutes all the monitors suddenly go berserk and they rush in to find the woman stone dead.

"What happened?" demands a doctor...

"Dunno, reckon she mighta choked" comes the reply

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy."
Paddy replies, "Ok Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shit" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shit!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way", but he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick phoned... You left your wheelchair at the pub!"

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.
"What was that?" The others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."
They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked her.
"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"

Doctor: It's bad news, you have Cancer and Alzheimer's.
Patient: Oh well, it could be worse - at least I don't have Cancer.

A woman visits her doctor complaining of a strange feeling in her lower stomach. The doctor examines her and states;
"Well, I can tell you that you'll need to be buying lots of nappies in about nine months time."
"Am I pregnant?" she said. "That is wonderful news."
"No, you have bowel cancer."

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

Made by theutherfish

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